Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
