I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
