Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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