Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I looked at my own cervix.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
