Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
