True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
