oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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