His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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