Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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