His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
