My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
