there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
