New low: just hacked my moms facebook
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
