On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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