gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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