Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
