Non-Jews are for practice
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She tied me up with her honor cords...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
