running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
