I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
