I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize