I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
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