I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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