Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I still have a little drunk in my system
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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