I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
