so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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