so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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