I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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