Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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