No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
