I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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