is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
God I need to hump something, right now.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
