Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize