Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
