That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
