well you can't waste a boner
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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