I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
