All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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