So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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