Where did you get a picture of my penis
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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