fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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