Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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