so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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