If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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