So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He has the fingertips of a God
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize