I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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