Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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