The maid of honor just puked.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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