dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There's always time for handjobs
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize