I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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