I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
