I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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