His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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