if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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