When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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