I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
