how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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