If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
