I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
