if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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