I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
