Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I love you.
Bad choice
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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