Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
