Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
