You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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