Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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