Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
