I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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