I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
