never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
not ubering you a puppy
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