I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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