and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
